We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it.
Nora McInerny: TEDWomen 2018:
"I haven't 'moved on', and I hate that phrase so much - because what that says is that Aaron's life and death and love are just moments that I can leave behind me - and that I probably should."
"When I talk about Aaron, I slip so easily into the present tense. [...] It's not because we are in denial or because we're forgetful. It's because the people we love, who we've lost, are still so present for us. So when I say, 'Oh, Aaron is...' It's because Aaron still is."
Okay I literally burst into tears. Not gonna lie. The moment she said she still slips so easily into the present tense when mentioning her dead husband - 瞬間慶幸中文是個沒有時態的語言。
雖然一直知道是生命裡重要的一部份,但偶爾也是會想,都過了那麼久了,再動不動就提起這個人究竟是不是件好事。所以開始有意無意降低提起的頻率,有意無意在話語出口前繞了個彎,有意無意把夢境藏起。
傍晚接到了久違的來電,聊起時間是否能沖淡一切,講述的時候心裡其實很徬徨,因為我不曉得這究竟是好是壞;深怕只是耽溺在其中,於是提醒自己要成熟,“move on”,不再原地打轉。去年很憂鬱的時刻曾寫信給筆友,一連幾封都寫著同一個人的往事,寫著寫著覺得自己像台壞掉的打字機,又想著真正想訴說的對象已經不在了,覺得荒謬極了。
聽完這場演講才覺得一直以來,我或者還是太勉強自己了。你離開了以後,我很認真地活著,很努力想為世界多做點什麼,我猜我做得還算不錯。結識了許多人,因為發燒莫名其妙出了櫃,研究小有成果,德文大概比你流利十倍,也有了一小群欣賞我文字的讀者,我很滿足。
When I say, "Oh, you are..." It's because you still are.