What a ridiculous image.
From where the teacher was pointing, small conversations among the students started to spread out slowly, like a huge circular wave. However, the wave did not hit me at the far end of the classroom. Information delivery failed. I could not see what happened there either. Someone did not copy down the notes from the smart board? Or was that person sleeping in class? Impossible, both of them could not explain the unnatural pleasant information exchange that the students tried to cover their astonishment.
The teacher stopped her teaching immediately, walked to the very center of the invisible corruption, and then pulled up a girl with a brown ponytail. I still could not see clearly from where I was, but it seemed like…
Could it be what I thought?
Was she crying?
If so, it would be the second worst case.
“Stop talking. Everyone, face down, and please excuse me from the class.” Using the kindest voice she could offer, the teacher gave an instruction, which she thought might be the most appropriate decision, and then brought the crying girl out from the classroom.
The remaining students followed her instruction without any doubt, because if they did not, they would possibly push themselves into the fate same as the girl’s. If it happened, for the girl, it would lead her to the worst case.
I still sat straight up, spinning the pen on my hand, and innocently watched the students with their heads lying on the tables, who were trying to hide themselves from the danger of showing any shaken expression. When would they stop doing the meaningless behavior? Well, probably only until this country was destroyed.
Utiny.
“U” for Utopia, “tiny” for destiny.
It was the name of our country – a country of “happiness.”
Believing citizens’ happiness represented their satisfaction to the current ruling, the government forced its citizens to show the symbol of happiness, which was to smile. Actually, smile, laugh, giggle, chuckle, whatever that could tell people that we were feeling happy was acceptable. On the other hand, we were prohibited to show any expression other than those. That was why the crying girl was in trouble; she broke the inviolable Unhappy Rule.
The next time I met the girl after she was taken away, was in the afternoon of the same day.
I was sitting on the bench located at the corner of our school campus, listening to music as usual. To be honest, I was not a big fan ofmusic, but listening to music was undeniably a good way to kill my time when I stayed outside.
Then, a visitor came and interrupted me.
“I’m Dovey, ” she said.
Noticing someone standing a foot from the bench I was sitting, I pulled out the earphones from my ears, and looked up to her. The visitor was the brown ponytail girl. Despite the fact that she was the one who caused the incident in the morning, it actually brought surprise to me for other reasons.
Firstly, it was already after school, she had no reason to talk tome.
Secondly, we never had any conversation before, so she had no reason to talk to me.
And what should I do to her?
“We are in the same class, so I know your name,” I decided to finish the conversation as soon as possible. Earphones were ready to return to my ears again.
“Wait, stop, erm, Olive, err.. wait, how, how does it be to be a mistist?” Finally, after a series of calls for stops, only the question successfully stopped my movement. How long did I pause for?
If she asked me that question, that meant her punishment was decided. Though we all knew she had no other choice for punishment except becoming a mistist.
A mistist was a person who received the happy treatment from the government, which was known as the “mist.”
For people who violated the Unhappy Rule, they would receive what was called “half mist.” It would ignore one’s feeling or mood, and automatically alternate EVERY responding expression to a happy smile. Utinian smile, or misty smile, was the product of the treatment. Mistists could only smile like a doll, displaying the government-designed expression even if they did not want to. However, this was only what I meant by the second worst case.
The worst case happened when people violated the Unhappy Rule, and then at the same time also caused the surrounding people to break the rule too. At this point, “complete mist” would be given, and it would eliminate every feeling that people have except happiness. As the side effect, all the memories or motives related to the“unnecessary” feelings would all disappeared.
All gone.
What was gone?
“I’m not a mistist, so don’t talk to me.”
Really, I wanted to end the conversation earlier. There were totally no benefits if we kept talking and got closer to each other.
“Oh, but you’ve never showed any expression in front of anyone, and...” the girl, Dovey, saw me not saying any words, which obviously meant not welcoming her. “...Well, I am sorry, I understand that I should not talk to you. I will leave soon.”
She turned back. I could see her brown ponytail swayed through the air. Light blue shirt, with the khaki cross body bag, usual for school life; however, the balance of that usual had already been broken by her in the morning.
On the other side of the bag, her hand was holding a book, with a terrible dark green cover.
“Wait!”
As I called her, she turned back to me, again, perhaps confused,but she still managed to make a smile for that Rule.
“Sit there.” I pointed to the empty space beside me.
She hesitated, but still sat down as I asked for.
“Why?”
“Is it half mist or complete mist?” I ignored her previous question.
“Half mist so far. The executors from the government will come here and bring me away after three days. But why? Just now I decided to talk to you because I thought you’re a mistist. If you are not, then we should not take the risk. In these three days, if they catch me making anyone ‘unhappy,’ that person will have to receive half mist, and I will have the complete mist. You know that, don’t you?”
Sounded pleasant, but I knew she did not feel so. It was easy to tell.
Especially I was sensitive to those kinds of feelings; I had to.
“Yeah…I know that…clearly,” and my own voice became far away from me. What made that happen? I tried to call myself back to face the reality.
“You’re really not a mistist?” she wanted to confirm it again.
“Now, listen, you are too curious,” I leaned toward her, but she did not escape. “Were you crying this morning because someone didn’t answer your question?”
“Of course not. That was because I was reading this book,” she raised her arm, showed me the green book that she was holding before. Then, realizing something, she quickly pressed it on the bench. “Oops!”
She started to nervously wave her hands back and forth, just likeasking me not to see it.
“I probably should not show you this kind of thing,”
I knew what she was talking about. If that book could make her cry, then it might have the power to affect the mood of people who saw it.
However, it was too late.
I saw that.
Gold title on the disgusting dark greenbook, written “Destopia.”
Still, what I could display on my face was the expression of none.
No expression.
Safest option.
I tried to ignore the book.
Finally, I moved my lips.
“You have a misconception, mistists do show expression.”
What made me do that? Pity? Guiltiness? The words just flowed out automatically, like the falling sand inside a sandglass. If the sand represented my words, what would represent the air that went up to the upper part of the sandglass?
I could only bitterly continue the taste of the truth.
“But the expression is only smiling. Mistists can only smile. Half mistists smile, no matter what they feel. Sadness? Anger? Those are just the fertilizer for the misty smile. And you are going to have all these things after few days.”
After my flat explanation, Dovey blinked. One time, two times, three times…she was looking for the right reaction. Finally, the decision that she made was to giggle at what I said before.
“Well, it doesn’t sound too bad. Is it? I mean, I will still be able to smile when I am happy. Isn’t that enough?”
Doesn’t sound too bad?
I could not understand.
Why could she still think in such a positive way?
That was such a naive thinking.
“At least, it’s better than not showing anything,” she said, with an innocent grin.
I didn’t answer.
What was she referring to?
Who was she referring to?
She stood up from the bench. Her brown ponytail swayed again, reflecting the orange light of the sinking sun.
“It’s time for me to leave now. I wonder what will happen if my mom and dad hear about what I did today. Hmm, I bet they will feel pretty ashamed that their daughter is such a rule breaker. There hasn’t been anyone from my area who received mist before. Whatever, at least they won’t be too angry obviously.”
Calmly, Dovey shrugged her shoulders.Then, she smiled again with a bit of console. “You probably need to go home nowtoo.”
And my answer was…
“No, I am staying outside as long as possible,” until the sun fully sank, until the time that I had to go back to that home.
That was the last sentence for the conversation of the day.
The next day, after school, Dovey appeared in front of me again. It was not inside the classroom, but at thebench where I usually sat down to listen to music.
“Hi, would you mind me talk to you again?”
“If you want,” after two seconds of hesitation, I pulled down my earphones. Although I was not so interested to chat with her, I would probably spend more unnecessary energy if I did not listen to her. That girl seemed to have too much expectation on me, which meant that it was highly possible for her to just stand there without knowing what to do if I chose to refuse her.
I pointed to the other side of the bench, and she quietly sat down. Everything was just like what we did on the previous day. The only difference was just the count down to her mist execution had turned down to two days.
“So?”
“So?” she repeated my question.
“What do you want to say?”
“Anything.”
“Anything.” I repeated it, playing the words with my tongue.
Dovey started to chat with me, and the topics were really anything. From the quality of our lunch to the ways to solve a magic cube, from the evolution of a bird to the daily TV series; we were just simply chatting about anything.
“But why can the actors and actresses have so many expressions? Won’t the government give the mist to them, or to ban their TV series? Didn’t they break the Unhappy Rule? It doesn’t make sense if they are already mistists too,” she asked.
“Have you ever tried to pay attention to our History and Humanities class?”
The class, just like its name, taughtus about the history and arts of our country and other countries. Although I would say the history taught in class was not wrong, the contents were actually mostly about praising the current ruling of Utiny, and discussing the weaknesses of the rulings of other countries or the old Utiny. From a subjective view, it was not a fair class though.
“Err…I guess I’ve tried…for half of it.” Dovey admitted.
“……”
I began to believe that her fortune had led her to survive until today. Her lack of knowledge had been too dangerous for her. Was she just an exception, or our average students were just as ignorant as her?
“Listen. Firstly, actors or actresses are special occupations. The people are chosen from a group of people who are ableto show their patriotism, and have strong spirit that can control themselves over their characters. Because if they cannot control themselves, their unstable moods would drive them crazy, and easily pollute the mental states of the people around them. Understand?”
In front of the concentrating girl, I raised up the second finger.
“Second, for artistic products, likebooks, music, movies, or TV series, it is true that they are not allowed to have any negative elements. However, it is only when the settings are about this country. In other words, if you set the backgrounds as the other countries or imaginary places, negative elements such as crying, betraying the country,or whatever are permitted. It is because those only happen in other places, not in Utiny. It is simple, by prohibiting the negative elements in Utiny and leaving them to other places, our government will be able to form an image of Utiny as the best country in the world.”
“I see,” she said.
Then, we did not talk any more for a while. Dovey was the one who broke the temporary silence.
“My parents’ reactions ware like what I guessed yesterday.”
“How was it?”
“Remember our history class?”
“Hard to forget,” I remembered the screaming of our history teacher, with her distorted smile.
“My mom was almost like that teacher.”
“I see,” I replied shortly.
The remaining conversation was just as random as before. Broken, spontaneous, seemed touchable but untouchable, sounded usual but unusual; that was how we spent the second day. Whatever we did was not enough to be called as struggling; it was only self-satisfaction before execution.
“Ready to go?” realizing the time, she stood up and asked me.
“Not yet for me,” I answered. “Later.”
“Huh, okay, thank you for chatting with me today. I really enjoyed it.”
I understood what she meant. Our classmates had been avoiding her for the whole day, fearing she might pollute their mood too. The situation would only turn better once she received the“treatment” of mist.
Then, her bright smile became dimmer.
“I felt safe when I speak to you,because you never show any expression, and I don’t have to worry that I will affect your mood, but you never show any happiness to me. Olive, please tell me, did I do something wrong? Am I doing the right thing?”
I shook my head.
“It’s just my personal principle. I have been like this for a long time, at anytime to anyone, so don’t worry.”
“Anyone? Even to your parents? How do they think when you show no expression?”
“Who knows?” I sniffed.
The second day ended.
Third day, we were used to the mode to stay with each other already. At the same time, and at the same bench, we met up and chatted again. However, the questions of the day focused mainly on…me!
“Have you ever showed any expression before?” Dovey asked curiously.
“Who never showed any expression before? If a baby doesn’t cry when it is born, that means it is in trouble.”
“No, I didn’t mean that. I meant…”
“Plus,” I interrupted her. “Unhappy Rule does not apply to those who are ten or below. Only the people above the age can be considered as the mature individuals who are able to control their moods.”
“So, have you ever showed any expression during that period” With full interest, her big eyes almost stuck on my face.
We halted for a long time, continuing the strange and embarrassing situation. Finally, I decided to surrender. If it was few days ago, I would never believe my attitude would be soften so much.
“I had.”
“What was it?”
“Crying, for days, when I was nine years old.”
I turned my head to the other side. It was not because I wanted to hide my expression; it was always the same for me.However, I was trying to avoid her face – the face that might change after hearing my words of past. The experience was absolutely not a pleasant one; it was too bitter to be dug out.
I began to open the wounds that would never recover.
“Eight years ago, my dad was caught by the government for showing anger, and trying to incite others for revolution. Mymom was shocked, cried and asked them to release my dad. And I was nine, crying too for what happened in front of me. At the end, they brought both my parents away, leaving me at my home. After crying at home for days, my parents came back. My dad, coming back with the full mist, could not recognize his family anymore. My mom, who received the half mist, could only smile at what happened at our home. From that day, I realized I could not have any expression anymore. How could I cry when knowing I would become what they had become? How can I be happy staying at that kind of home? Whatever I do, either doing well on the exams, or breaking everything inside my house, there are always the standard Utinian misty smiles on their faces waiting me. Do you understand? Whatever I do…they would just…”
They would just show the disgusting smiles.
I swallowed the words before I spoke them out.
It was not a good idea to say it in front of a girl who was going to receive mist soon.
There was no sound from Dovey. I kept avoiding her eyes, and drew the result with my usual flat tone.
“That was why I made the decision. As well as I don’t show any expression, I won’t break the Unhappy Rule, but thegovernment cannot force me to be happy too.”
I did not know why I gave all thisinformation out. I’d never shared it with anyone else before. Even if I could finish it without any feelings and expressions, it could still affect and further pollute the mood of the girl in front of me. What was I doing?
“I am sorry.” “I am sorry.”
Same words, but from different mouths.
I immediately turn back, and looked to Dovey’s face.
She looked to me too.
Both of us did not say anything, and of course, we did not smile too. We showed no expression; that was the limit that we could display our unhappiness.
We did not ask each other what the sorry was for.
We already knew the reasons.
Dovey stood up, raising a tired smile.
“Almost time. It pasts fast, isn’t it?”
It was way too fast, just like the time had been accelerating. However, it was impossible.
“Your execution…what time is it tomorrow?”
“After class. They will come to the school’s counseling room and pick me up. ”
“I see.”
“So…” Dovey stopped her hands that were ready to wave for goodbye. “See you tomorrow in classroom.”
“See you.”
I looked to her leaving back; her brown ponytail swayed without energy. This time she did not advice me to go home –she already knew the reason that I always stayed outside as late as possible.
The hanging sun finally sank.
Execution day.
After school.
Dovey looked at me in an unbelievable face. It showed neither happy nor sad; it was just a neutral surprise.
“What?” I asked, with my poker face.
“I…I …I am just surprised that you come to me,” her surprise had disturbed her from speaking properly. “At this classroom.”
She was right. I was usually blocked out in the classroom, or more correctly, I always blocked myself to the other students in the classroom. It was the first time that I actively went and talked to someone, just like how she talked to me for the first time few days ago. I was the boy misunderstood as a mistist by my classmates, and Dovey wasthe girl who was going to receive mist. We both were supposed to be the people that should not talk to anyone in the class. This abnormal combination of us had made several sights from our classmates focusing on both of us.
“Just want to walk with you before you leave,” I answered.
“Oh, erm… thank you.”
Even though her tone was full of question marks, she still accepted my excuse.
We walked together to the otherbuilding where the executers were waiting for her. I noticed her face did notlook as afraid as I thought. Surprisingly, it was a small and warm smile, ahappy smile.
“You look happy,” I told her.
“I should be. Remember the Rule? We need to be happy.”
“That was such a bad joke. I mean, real happiness. Different from the unnatural smiles, yours is real. Is it okay? You are going to receive the mist soon.”
“Just because I will receive the mist soon, I don’t want to waste the opportunity before that,” at one moment, she stopped her steps, and looked to me sincerely. “Thank you, Olive. Thank you for what you did.”
Was that the smile for appreciation?
Was it for me?
“What did I do?”
“May I ask you a question?”
“That’s not fair. You were using a question to interrupt my question,” I said. “And I am used to how you ask multiple questions at one time already. So I don’t believe that’s the right question to ask.”
She giggled.
“Well, why did you change your mind at that time?” she asked.
“When?”
“The first time that I talked to you.You asked me not to talk to you, but then you changed your mind. Why was that?”
Did she still remember that tiny detail?
“You will probably feel regret to hear the answer.”
“I don’t care. Please tell me before we arrived there.”
That was a hard requirement.
It was because the result would totally change her impression of me.
“Remember the book that made you cry inclass?”
“Do you mean Destopia? Of course remember, it was the first book that beat my heart so much. The characters live in a country called Dystopia, and then they organised a well-planned revolution to oppose the government. When I noticed, tears already fell down from my eyes. I don’t know why, but it was such a special experience. Oops, I probably should not have…”
“I won’t be affected by what you said. I read the book before.”
“Really? Didn’t you feel anything from it?”
“I felt more than what you felt,” After five seconds, I revealed the truth. “My dad wrote it before he was caught.”
Dovey stopped her steps again.
“Wait, how could it be possible?”
“It’s true. I didn’t lie. I told you he was caught inciting others for revolution against the government.”
I continued walking, and she followed me. It was almost there; almost to the room where they come to pick her up.
“But didn’t you tell me too that the government won’t care about the book that set the background at the otherplaces?”
“Why would you think the title is spelled as ‘Destopia’ but not “Dystopia,’ like the name of the country in thestory?”
“Isn’t it a spelling mistake?”
This girl was as obtuse as usual…
“Destopia,” I said, with my calmest voice. “‘Des’ for destiny, ‘topia’ for Utopia.”
Now she realized the reason.
Utiny and Destopia, which come from thesame words, have illustrated the destiny of trying to be a Utopian country.
“That’s why you had the resonance. You probably did not realize, but deep in your heart, you have already place the shadow of Destopia onto Utiny.”
We arrived at the place.
The executers with white clothes were already in the room, waiting to take the lively girl away. I could see their van parking outside of the building.
Dovey walked toward them, and they walked toward her. I stood still, watching her signed on an unknown document, trying my best to press down my past memories.
“Olive, when I come back,” after the document was taken, Dovey turned her head back to me, using her biggest effort to show a smile. “Would you become my friend?”
That was the brightest smile I had ever seen.
At that moment, I didn’t know what I was thinking. I only knew that I immediately ran to her, and was stopped by her hand covering my face. From the tiny space between her fingers, I could see her lips whispering, “Keep wearing your mask.”
What was I trying to do just now?
What kind of expression did I want to show just now?
I lost the answers.
The group of people just silently walked past me, without discovering the struggling inside my heart.
It was the designated destiny for us,the designated destiny of us in the country.
Something was absolutely broken on that day.
A weekend had past, it was Monday. I still could not see Dovey in class. After school, I walked to the bench after school as usual. Then, at there, I saw one familiar girl standing at there, in front of the bench.
It’s the same girl with a brown ponytail. However, it’s also not the same person anymore. She saw me, and tried to make a smile for me.
The natural smile that I used to see had turned to a standard misty smile.
I could not tell anymore about how she felt from her expression.
Even so…
“Welcome back,” I said, with an empty sound. “Would you become my friend?”
The powerless boy who owned no expression.
The bright girl who owned only one expression.
This time, it’s the boy’s turn to ask questions.
So Dovey, please tell me…
What’s the answer behind the mist of your smile?
上課途中，我們的歷史老師突然直盯盯地看向課室的中央，並用極高的音調尖叫了起來。隱約可以看到她指向那裡的手指還正劇烈顫抖著。不管究竟發生了什麼事，我必須承認，她聲音中透露的恐懼和她臉上明亮的笑容一點都不搭。
多麼可笑的畫面。
自老師指著的地方，學生們窸窣的交談聲就像水中漣漪般開始向外擴散。然而，那陣波浪並未擊中在課室邊緣的我。
——資訊傳遞失敗。
雖然也不是什麼值得拿來驚訝的事就是了，甚至可說是司空見慣。
真正值得注意的是造成騷動的原因。
由於被同學們擋住，我也同樣看不見在那中心究竟發生了什麼。難道說是誰沒有從智慧板抄下筆記嗎？還是說有哪個人在課室中睡覺？不，不可能，兩者都不能解釋學生們用來掩飾驚訝而進行的「愉快」資訊交換。
先前還在尖叫的那名老師已經顧不得授課，快步走向那隱形混亂的中心，接著將一名有著棕色馬尾的女孩拉起身來。從我所坐著的地方並不能看得很清楚，但是看起來——
難道真的是我所預想的那種發展嗎？
她難道是在哭嗎？
倘若真是這樣，那現在可就是「第二糟糕」的狀況了。
「不要說話。各位同學，把你們的臉俯下來，然後請容許我離開這個課室一下。」
與之前尖叫時不同，老師現在正用她盡最大所能使出的溫和聲音下達指令——那是她所能想出的，當下最合適的解決方法。之後，她將那名哭泣中的女孩帶出課室，而那個女孩對此並沒有做出任何抵抗。
餘下的學生們則毫無任何遲疑，乖乖地遵從老師下達的指示。他們很清楚如果不照做的話，自己很有可能會面臨與那名女孩同樣的命運。假使事情發展成這樣，那個女孩恐怕也將會被導向「最糟糕」的情況。
我依舊坐正，轉動手上的筆，然後無辜地看向其他趴在桌面上，試圖將自己從暴露表情的危險中隱藏起來的學生。他們究竟要到什麼時候才會停止那無意義的舉動呢？我想大概⋯⋯也只有當這個國家毀滅的時候吧。
烏梯禰（Utiny）。
烏托邦（Utopia）的「U」，命運（destiny）的「tiny」。
這就是我們的國家——「快樂」之國的名字。
我們的政府堅信國民的快樂就是對現任統治的滿意，因而迫使自己的人民展現出自己快樂的證明，也就是笑容。更準確地來說，無論是微笑、大笑、嬉笑、竊笑，只要能讓人覺得我們正感受著快樂的笑都能算數。反之，我們被禁止展現出任何其他的表情。這就是為什麼剛才那個在哭的女孩被捲入了麻煩中——她已經打破了那條絕對不能打破的「不快樂規則」。
在那個女孩被帶走後，再度見到她時是在同一天的下午。
我坐在校園某一角的長椅上，與往常一樣聽著音樂。老實說我也沒有特別喜歡音樂，歌詞的有無，曲調的高低等對我來說一點都不重要。即使如此，我還是不得不承認那確實是在待在外面時打發時間的好方法。
接著，一名來訪者的到來，打斷了我獨自一人的悠閒時光。
「我是兜唯。」她說。
我在注意到有人站在我坐著的長椅附近後，便從耳中拉出了耳機並看往那個方向。沒想到其結果卻十分地出乎意料。
——來訪者是那名棕色馬尾女孩。
姑且不論她是早上那起事件的引發者兼受害者，光是其他的理由就已經足夠讓我吃驚了。
第一、現在已經是放學時間，所以她沒有理由找我說話。
第二、我們從來沒有交談過，所以她也沒有理由找我說話。
所以我現在該拿她怎麼辦好？
「我們同班，所以我知道妳的名字。」我決定儘快結束這場才剛開始的對話，也已經準備好把手上剛摘下來的耳機塞回到我耳裡了。剛剛聽的是什麼音樂？古典？不對，絕對是搖滾吧？而且還是沒有歌詞的歌⋯⋯應該是這樣吧？
「等一下、暫停、嗯⋯⋯奧利弗、呃、等一下，那個⋯⋯身、身為一個霧人是怎麼樣的感覺？」
終於，經過一連串的喊停聲，只有最後的那個問題成功阻止了我的動作。
那麼——我究竟暫停了多久?
如果她會問我那個問題的話，就代表處罰已經定下來了。儘管我們心裡都很清楚，她除了被改造成霧人，也沒有其他可能的處罰了。
霧人是被政府實施「快樂處置」的人，其處置的名字則為「霧」。
打破「不快樂規則」的人會受到被稱為「半霧」的懲罰——它將無視被實施者的感覺或情緒，讓每個反映出的表情強制轉換成快樂的笑容。烏梯禰式笑容，又或是霧之笑，就是在那刑罰下的產物。霧人只能夠像個玩偶般地笑。即使不願意，他們也只能展現出被政府操縱的那個笑容。然而，這只不過是被我稱為第二糟糕的情況。
最糟糕的情況，是在有人打破「不快樂規則」時，也促使周遭的人打破那條規則。假設這種情況發生了，那個人將接受「全霧」，除了快樂以外的情感將全部被抽走。做為全霧的副作用，所有關於那些「不必要」情感的記憶或是動機將會完全消失。
全都消失不見。
不見的究竟是什麼呢？
「我不是霧人，所以不要跟我說這些。妳找錯人了。」
說真的，我很想儘早結束這場對話。對我們來說，不論是繼續交談或是讓彼此的距離更加接近可是一點好處都沒有。
倒不如說，危險度反而增加了。
「可、可是你從來沒在任何人面前露出任何表情啊，而且⋯⋯」
那個女孩——兜唯見我不發一語明顯不歡迎她的樣子後，聲音逐漸變得微弱。
「⋯⋯呃，對不起，我知道自己不該和你說話的。我馬上會離開。」
她挺著笑容轉過身。
不過是——虛有其表的笑容。
哪有人被拒絕了還能笑得出來？
但是，這種簡單的道理，這種理所當然的事情，在這個國家也已經不復存在了吧。
她的棕色馬尾因為轉身的關係在空中擺盪，讓我不禁把目光再多停留在她身上幾秒。淺藍色的上衣、卡其色的斜背包——儘是些再平凡也不過，日常中常出現的標準學生打扮。可惜這道日常的平衡已經被她在今早親手打破了。
而在書包的另一側，她的手緊緊地抓著一本封面深綠得讓人作嘔的書。
「等等！」
當我出聲呼喊她時，她再次轉過身來。儘管或許有些困惑，她還是為了那條規則又硬擠出一道笑容。
「坐那邊。」我指向身旁的長椅空位示意。那個位子向來沒有其他人坐過，至少當我坐在這裡是如此。當然，這大概也跟沒有人想坐在我旁邊有關吧。
她遲疑一下，但還是按我說的坐了下來。
「為什麼？」
「是半霧還是全霧？」我無視她的前一個問題。
「目前來說是半霧。政府的執行者三天後就會來這裡把我帶走。但是為什麼？之前我來找你說話是因為我以為你是霧人。如果你不是的話，我們現在就不應該冒這個風險。在這三天內，如果他們抓到我讓任何一個人『不開心』的話，不止那個人要被以半霧處罰，我也將被處以全霧。你知道的，不是嗎？」
她的語調聽起來相當愉快，但是我知道這不是她真正的感受。
要察覺到這件事其實很簡單，尤其我對那種感覺可是相當敏感的。
話說——我也不得不能感覺這種事⋯⋯吧？
所以——
「嗯⋯⋯我清楚⋯⋯得很。」自己的聲音逐漸變得遙遠。這究竟是什麼造成的呢？我試著把那遙遠的自己呼喚回來面對現實。
「你真的不是霧人嗎？」她想要再次確認。
「聽著，妳實在是過於好奇了。」
我將身體傾向她阻嚇道。儘管兩人在長椅上的距離縮短。但她沒有逃避，只是安靜地聽我說話。眼神中一半參雜著困惑，一半則是堅強。
「該不會妳今早就是因為沒有人回答妳的問題才哭的？」
「才不是呢。那是因為我當時正在讀這本書。」她不甘示弱地舉起手，秀出之前拿在手裡的那本綠書。接著，幾乎是與之同時，她忽然間意識到了什麼，趕緊把那本書壓在長椅上。「糟了。」
她開始緊張地來回搖動自己的手，彷彿在叫我不要看那本書。
「照理說我應該是不能讓你看這種東西的才對。」
我知道她指的是什麼意思。如果那本書能使她哭的話，它說不定也有著影響看見它的人的情緒的力量。
然而，一切都太遲了。
我已經看到它了。
在那本綠得噁心的書上，金色的標題寫著「戴斯托邦（Destopia）」。
但是，直到現在，展露在我的臉上的，仍是虛無的表情。
無表情。
最安全的選擇。
我試著無視那本書。
良久後，我輕輕地動了嘴脣。
「妳誤會了。即便是霧人，也是有表情的。」
到底是什麼讓我這麼做的？同情心？抑或是罪惡感？話語自動地流出，就像在沙漏中不斷地傾瀉的細沙。如果那些沙子代表的是我的言語，那麼作為替代，往沙漏上部而去的空氣又算是什麼呢？
我只能繼續品嘗事實的苦澀滋味。
「但是他們唯一的表情就是笑容。霧人只能夠笑。不論感覺到什麼，半霧人所能做的就只是笑而已。悲傷？憤怒？那些充其量只不過是霧之笑的養分罷了。妳再過幾天後就會體會到了。」
在我平淡的解釋之後，兜唯眨眨眼。一次、兩次、三次⋯⋯看得出她在尋找正確的反應。結果最後，她決定對我所說的一切輕笑。
「那麼——聽起來還不算太壞啊。我是說，我還能夠在我開心的時候笑不是嗎？這樣不就夠了嗎？」
聽起來還不算太壞？
我不能理解。
為什麼她還能這麼樂觀？
太天真了。
「至少，也比不露出什麼表情好啊。」她說道，臉上還帶點天真的微笑。
我沒有回答。
她指的是什麼？
她指的是誰？
她從長椅上站起。棕色馬尾再次搖擺，微微反射出下沈中太陽的橘色光芒。
「我也是時候離開了。不知道爸爸媽媽聽到我今天做了什麼事後會做出什麼反應？嗯⋯⋯我賭他們大概會因為有那麼一個破壞規則的女兒而感到相當羞恥吧，畢竟我們那個地區還從來沒有人被處以霧之刑。不過不管怎麼說，他們倒也不能太生氣就是了。」
兜唯冷靜地對自己的處境聳了聳肩。然後，她投以一個安慰用的笑容。
「你也應該要回家了。」
而我對此的回答則是——
「不，我會儘量在外面待著。」直到太陽完全沉下，直到我不得不回到家的時間到來。
那便是當天對話的最後一句。
＊
隔天，兜唯再次出現在我的面前。不是在課室裡，而是在我平常放學時坐著聽音樂的長椅那裡。
「嗨，介意我再跟你聊一下嗎？」
「如果妳想要的話。」在約兩秒的遲疑過後，我拉下了耳機。雖然我對於跟她聊天不感興趣，但是如果不聽她的話，我有可能會耗費比那更多的精力。那個女孩看來是對我抱有過多的期待了。那同時也代表如果我拒絕她的話，她極有可能會一直呆站在那裡，不知道該做些什麼。
我指向長椅的另一邊，而她默默地坐下。一切就猶如我們在前一天所做的一樣。唯一的差別只在於她的霧之處決只剩倒數兩天。
另外還有⋯⋯不，那應該是錯覺吧。
「所以？」
「所以？」她重複我的問題，彷彿不明白我想說什麼。
「妳想說什麼？」
「任何事。」
「任何事。」我重複，在舌尖上細細玩弄著這個詞彙。
兜唯開始試著跟我聊天，而聊天的主題真的是如她所說的任何事。從這個長椅的品質到破解魔術方塊的方法，從鳥的演化到日常電視劇——我們真的只是在聊任何事。
「可是為什麼那些演員有那麼多表情呢？政府不會給他們霧嗎？或著是禁播那些電視劇？他們不是違反了『不快樂規則』嗎？如果他們是霧人的話也說不過去。」
兜唯偏頭問道，雙腳在長椅前隨意地來回踢動。
還真是太鬆懈了。
感覺她很容易就會不小心做出什麼違反規定的事。
「妳在我們的歷史與人文課上有專心上課過嗎？」我則趁機反問她。
那堂課正如其名，教的是我們國家和其他國家的的歷史和藝術。雖然我得說課上教的歷史並沒有錯誤，但是其內容幾乎全是在讚揚烏梯禰（Utiny）現在的治理，以及討論其他國家或著是舊烏梯禰的缺點。從客觀的角度來看，那並不是一堂公平的課。
「呃⋯⋯我有試過⋯⋯大概一半吧。」她承認道。
「⋯⋯」
我開始相信她全是多虧了自己的好運才能生存至今。她那種對知識的缺乏在現今的制度下對她來說相當危險。究竟她只是個例外，還是說其餘學生也像她一樣大意呢？或者，還有一種可能——
是我自己過於緊繃了嗎？
開什麼玩笑？
「聽著。首先，演員是特殊職業。那些人是從一群能夠證明自己有足夠愛國心，並且能夠在角色中駕馭自己的人當中被選出來的。因為如果他們不能控制好自己，他們的情緒不止會讓自己陷入瘋狂，還很容易就能污染他們身邊其他人的精神狀態。懂了嗎？」
在專心聽講的女孩面前，我豎起了第二根手指。
「第二，藝術方面——包括書籍、音樂、電影，或是電視劇，政府的確不允許它們有任何負面元素。但是，那只限於該設定是定在這個國家的時候。換句話說，如果把作品的背景設在其他國家或是虛構的地方，負面元素例如哭泣、叛國，或其他任何東西都是被允許的。因為那些都只是發生在其他地方，而不是烏梯禰（Utiny）。很簡單，只要禁止在烏梯禰（Utiny）的負面因素，將它們置入其他地方，我們的政府就能塑造烏梯禰（Utiny）是全世界最好的國家的印象。」
「我懂了。」她說道。雙腳踢動的頻率逐漸降低，最後變為零。
我們有好一段時間都沒有再說話，沉浸在之前的對話中。
率先打破短暫沈默的是兜唯。
「我爸媽的反應跟我昨天猜的一樣。」
「怎麼樣？」
「還記得我們的歷史課嗎？」
「要忘記也挺難的。」我想起我們歷史老師的尖叫，以及與之伴隨的，她臉上扭曲的笑容。
「我媽差不多跟那個老師一樣。」
「原來如此。」我簡短地回答。
剩餘的對話就像之前一樣隨意。支離破碎、看似可觸及卻又不能觸及、聽似平常卻又不平常——這就是我們怎麼度過第二天的。我們所做的甚至連掙扎都算不上，那些只不過是行刑前的自我滿足罷了。
「準備好要走了嗎。」她注意到了時間，站起來問我。
「我還沒有。」我回答說。「要再晚一點。」
「那好吧。謝謝你今天陪我聊天，我真的很享受這段時間。」
我瞭解她的意思。我們的同學今天一整天都在避著她，深怕她會污染他們的情緒。這種情況也只有在她接收了霧以後才會勉強好轉。屆時，她就會成為真正的霧人，不會表現出任何不安的情緒，更別說影響到其他人。需要擔心的就是那些沒有遇過這種狀況的同學們願不願意接受霧人狀態的她。
到時候全靠她的選擇及努力嗎？
「你知道嗎？」原本綻放在她臉上的笑容變得些許黯淡。「我和你講話的時候覺得很安心，因為你從來都不表現出任何表情或感情，所以我不用擔心我會影響到你的情緒。但是在我的面前，你也從來都沒有表現得快樂過不是嗎？奧利弗，請告訴我，我做錯了什麼嗎？我現在所做的，真的是正確的事嗎？」
我搖搖頭。
「這只不過是我的個人信條而已。長久以來，不管是在任何時間，對任何人，我都是像這樣子的。所以妳不需要擔心。」
「任何人？就連對你父母也是嗎？他們看到你沒有表情的時候，到底在想些什麼？」
「誰知道。」我不以為然。
第二天就這麼落幕了。
＊
第三天，我們已經習慣了與彼此相處的模式。在同樣的時間，同樣的長椅，我們再度見面，與對方聊天。然而，今天的主要問題環繞在——我的身上。
「你以前有沒有露出表情過啊？」兜唯好奇地問。
「誰以前沒有露出表情過？要是嬰兒出生時不會哭的話，那可就麻煩了。」我的眼睛此時並沒有看向她的臉，而是專注在我們坐著的長椅上。
總覺得⋯⋯不，應該還是錯覺吧。
倘若是真的⋯⋯
兜唯沒有察覺到我把一半的注意力都放在別處，倒是很努力地澄清自己先前的說法。
「不是，我不是這種意思。我是指⋯⋯」
「而且——」我暫且先把剛剛注意到的事放到一邊，抬頭插嘴道。「不快樂規則不適用在十歲以下的人。只有在那個年紀之上的人才能被納入成熟到有能力管理自己情緒的人。」
「所以，你在那段時間內還是有露出表情的吧？」兜唯在得知這項資訊後，馬上抓緊反問道。她看似很感興趣，湊過來的眼睛幾乎都要貼在我的臉上。
我們彼此都維持這個既尷尬又奇怪的情況，僵住了一段時間。正確來說，因那個情況而變得動彈不得的是我，而她則是因為不解我的反應而愣住。
「⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯」
我最終決定投降。如果是數天前的話，我絕對不會相信自己的態度已經軟化了那麼多。
「我有。」
「是什麼呢？」
「哭泣，長達數天的哭泣。那是我還九歲的時候。」
我將自己的頭轉去另一邊。不是因為我想隱藏此時的表情，我與以往一樣，是不會有表情的。我只是不想看見那張在聽到我的故事後有可能會有些許變化的臉罷了。接下來要訴說的，絕對不是什麼愉快的經驗，而是挖出來過於苦澀的回憶。
我開始揭開了那再也不會恢復的傷口。
「八年前，我的父親被政府以展現憤怒和企圖教唆他人掀起革命的罪名逮捕。我的母親被那個狀況嚇得不知所措，哭著要求他們放走我父親。當時我才九歲，同樣因為眼前發生的一切而不斷哭泣。最後，他們帶走了我的父母，只留下未能違反規定的我一人在家。當我在家哭了好幾天後，我的雙親終於回來了。伴隨著全霧回來的父親再也不能認出他的家人，接受半霧的母親也只能對那個家裡發生的事一笑置之。自那天起，我意識到自己再也不能露出任何表情了。待在那種家裡，我怎麼可能會覺得快樂？不管我做什麼，就算是在考試中取得好成績，還是毀損家裡的所有東西，等待著我的永遠是他們臉上那個標準的烏梯禰式霧之笑。妳知道嗎？不管我做什麼⋯⋯他們都只會⋯⋯」
——他們都只會露出那種噁心的笑容。
我在講出那句話前及時把它吞回去。
在一個即將要接受霧的女孩面前講出那種話可不是什麼好主意。
兜唯沒有出聲。我持續避開她的眼，用平淡的語調訴出結果。
「這就是為什麼我做出了『那項決定』。只要我不露出任何表情的話，就不會違反不快樂規則，但同樣地，那個政府也不能強制我變得快樂。」
我不明白我為什麼要把這種事說出來。我從來沒有與其他人商量這些事過。就算我能在無感情、無表情的狀態下說完，它還是能影響甚至污染我眼前的這名女孩的精神狀態。
我到底在做什麼？
「我很抱歉。」「我很抱歉。」
同樣的話語，自不同的口說出。
我立刻轉回頭，看向兜唯的臉。
她也看向我。
我們雙方都沒有再說什麼，理所當然地，也笑不出來。我們沒有露出任何表情——那是我們能表現出自己不開心的最大限度。
我們亦沒有問對方道歉的理由。
因為我們早就知曉了答案。
兜唯站起身，帶著疲累的笑容。
「就快要到時間了。時間過得很快對吧？」
太快了，簡直就像時間本身加速過了一般。然而，那是不可能的。
純屬錯覺。
要是長椅上縮短的兩人距離，也是錯覺的話就好了。然而，那也是不可能的。一切皆已成為既定事實。
「妳的處決是什麼時候？」
「放學後。他們會來學校的輔導室接我走。」
「我知道了。」
「所以⋯⋯」兜唯停下她原本為了道別而揚起揮舞的手。「明天課室見。」
「再見。」
我望向她那逐漸離去的背影。棕色的馬尾無力地擺盪著。這次她沒有，也無法勸我回家了。
——因為她已經知道我時常待在外面的理由了。
掛在空中的太陽終於沉下。
＊
處決日。
放學後。
兜唯一臉不可思議地看著我。既非高興或難過，那只是一個介於中間，單純又普通的驚訝罷了。
「什麼？」我依舊維持自己的撲克臉問道。
「我⋯⋯我⋯⋯我只是對你來我這邊有點驚訝。」
她的詫異已經影響到她正常說話的機能了。但是仔細想想，她一開始來找我說話的時候也是這樣吧。
「我是說，在這個課室裡。」
她說的沒錯。我通常在這間課室是處於被隔絕的狀態，不，正確來說，是我將自己與課室裡的其他學生隔絕起來。這是第一次我主動去跟某個人搭話，就像她在數天前對我搭話一樣。由於我是被同學們誤解為霧人的人，而兜唯是即將接受霧的人，兩人都是在班上不應與任何人說話的人。
此時這個站在課室後面的異常組合已經使我們的同學們紛紛投來異樣的眼光。
「我只是想在妳離開之前陪妳走一下。」我回答說。
「喔，嗯⋯⋯謝謝你。」
即使她的語調中充斥了滿滿的問號，她還是依然接受了我的藉口。
我們一起從課室走向執行者等著的另一棟學校建築。並肩行走時，我注意到她的臉看起來其實並沒有我想像中的害怕。雖然本來就有不能表露恐懼的規定，但是有時候還是可以從人們的眼神或者言行中看出些蛛絲馬跡，就像當初在我們班裡的騷動能看見的那樣。只是現在我完全不能在兜唯身上看出不對勁，令人意外地，她的臉掛著一道淺淺的笑容。
那是一個小小的、溫暖的微笑——一個開心的笑容。
「妳看起來很開心。」我告訴她。
「應該的。記得那條規則嗎？我們都需要感到快樂啊。」
「這可不是什麼好笑的笑話。我指的是真正的快樂。妳現在的笑容跟那種不自然的假貨不一樣，是真實的。這樣真的可以嗎？妳可是馬上就要去接受霧了。」
「正因為我馬上就要接受霧了，我才更不要浪費在那之前的機會啊。」有一瞬間，她停止了腳步，真誠地望向我。「謝謝你，奧利弗。謝謝你所做的一切。」
那份笑容難道是為了道謝嗎？
難道是為了我嗎？
「我做了什麼？」
「我可以問你一個問題嗎？」
「這不公平。妳剛剛居然用一個問題來打岔我的問題。」我反駁道。「而且我已經習慣妳一次問好幾個問題了。所以我覺得妳剛剛根本問錯問題了。」
她輕輕笑了。啊啊，她還真的沒有浪費掉任何能夠這樣笑的機會啊。
「那——為什麼當時你改變主意了？」在她眼中閃爍著的，依舊是那不變的好奇心。
「什麼時候？」
「我第一次跟你說話的時候。你叫我不要跟你說話，但是後來你還是改變主意了。這是為什麼呢？」
她連這種小細節都還記得嗎？
「妳要是聽到答案應該會後悔的。」說出這句話時，我腦中同時有好幾個念頭一閃而去，包括我的過去、兜唯引起的事件、我們的相遇、兩人的對話、以及——彼此的未來。
「我不管。請在我們到達那邊之前告訴我。」她懇求道。
那是一個極為困難的要求。
因為那個答案將會完全顛覆她對我的印象。
「妳記得那本讓妳在上課的時候哭的書嗎？」
「你是說《戴斯托邦（Destopia）》嗎？當然記得。它可是第一本讓我如此動心的書。裡面的角色住在一個叫『反烏托邦（Dystopia）』的國家，然後他們精心策劃了一場革命，就為了要抵抗政府。當我回過神來，眼淚就已經擅自從眼眶中掉了下去。我不知道為什麼，但是那真的是個很特別的經驗。糟了，我應該不能⋯⋯」
「我不會被妳剛剛說的東西影響到。我之前已經看過那本書了。」
「真的嗎？你就沒有從它那裏感受到任何東西嗎？」
「我感受到的比妳感受的還多。」我輕閉眼。約五秒過去後，我睜開眼，揭開了殘酷的真相。「那本書是我父親在被抓之前寫的。」
兜唯再次停下她的腳步。
「等一下，這怎麼可能？」她很明顯地動搖了。
「是真的。我沒有說謊。我告訴過妳他是因為煽動他人反抗政府而被抓的。」
我繼續往前走，她跟了上來。就快要到那個他們來接她的房間了。
「但是你不是告訴我政府不管那些把背景設在其他地方的書嗎？」
「妳認為為什麼那本書的標題是『戴斯托邦（Destopia）』而不是『反烏托邦（Dystopia）』，就像那本書裡的國家一樣？」
「不是因為單純的拼寫錯誤嗎？」
明明都到這個節骨眼了——
這女孩還是像以往一樣遲鈍啊⋯⋯
「『戴斯托邦（Destopia）』——」我用自己最冷靜的聲音說道。「命運（Destiny）的『Des』，烏托邦（Utopia）的『topia』。」
現在她瞭解原因了。
烏梯禰（Utiny）和戴斯托邦（Destopia），從相同的詞彙而組成的這個名字，描繪出了試圖仿效烏托邦的國家弄巧成拙的命運。
「這就是為什麼妳當時不自覺地產生了那種共鳴。雖然妳自己可能沒有意識到，但是在妳的內心深處，妳已經將戴斯托邦（Destopia）的影子置入到烏梯禰（Utiny）上了。」
在我終於毫無保留地向身邊的女孩道出一切後，我們也抵達了目的地。沈默的兜唯在白色的門敲了兩下，隨後門便從內部被遙控打開來。
兩名身穿白衣的執行者已經在房裡，等著帶走那個天性活潑的女孩。往後一看，他們的車就停在這棟建築物的外面。其實剛剛走來時就已經經過了那輛車，只是當時我與兜唯也沒心情仔細觀察。車是全白的，看起來簡直就是押送犯人的車。不，不是好像，兜唯自那天起就成了犯人，就跟當時的父親一樣。
當時的我，是哭著目送父親與母親被押上一模一樣的車。
今天的我，是絕對不會做出同樣的事的。
兜唯走向他們，他們也走向她。我筆直地站著，注視她在一張未知的文件上簽名，試著印下這份回憶。
「奧利弗，我回來的時候——」
在那份文件被取走之後，兜唯轉過頭來，盡她最大所能展露出笑容。
「你願意當我的朋友嗎？」
那是我見過最為耀眼的笑容。
實在是——耀眼過頭了。
在那一瞬間，我不知道自己在想些什麼。我只知道自己馬上衝向她，之後卻被她即時蓋住我臉上的手阻止。感覺全身頓時變得冰涼，唯有腦袋正不斷地升溫，與兜唯的手的溫度一樣。從她手指間的縫隙，我可以看到她的嘴脣低語：「繼續戴上你的面具。」
啊⋯⋯
我剛剛到底想做什麼？
我剛剛到底想露出什麼樣的表情？
我⋯⋯
我失去了那份答案。
那一群人靜靜地押著兜唯經過我的身邊，壓根沒有發現我內心中的掙扎。他們怎麼可能會理解呢？
這就是我們已經被決定好的命運，我們國家被決定的命運。
那天——肯定有什麼東西改變了。
不是破碎就是落下。
就與兜唯從我臉上離去的手一樣。
＊
一個週末過去了，轉眼間已是星期一的到來。然而，我還是沒能在課室見到本應返回的女孩的身影。除此之外，所有的事物都正依舊正常運轉著。老師們就像不知道發生過事件般照常教課，同學們也依然維持著彼此關係的平衡，包括與我之間的隔絕也是。一切皆是那麼地平靜。
放學後，我像往常一樣走向那個一度有兩人坐過的長椅。
然後在兩人距離縮短過的長椅前，我看見一個熟悉的女孩。簡便的白色洋裝、略紅的臉頰，彷彿才剛從家裡趕過來一樣。最重要的是，那不變的棕色馬尾。
與我在課室中找尋的身影是同樣的。然而，那也再也不是同一個人。
她看到我，試著對我微笑。
那道我已習慣的自然笑容已經變成了標準的霧之笑。
我再也不能分辨她表情中的情感。
即便如此——
「歡迎回來。」我用空洞的嗓音說道。「妳願意成為我的朋友嗎？」
沒有表情的無力男孩。
單一表情的耀眼女孩。
這次，輪到男孩發問了。
所以兜唯，請告訴我——
在那片霧之後的答案是什麼呢？
創作內容
Behind the Mist【英翻中再創作】
Zean（十六夜文藝創作交流區） (11)
