Science Classes Are The Root Of All Evil

我爸爸實驗室麾下的學生們常常成為我們飯桌上的話題，

想想，過去幾年的自然科學課也都沒什麼好事發生，

再想想，做實驗時要得高分靠的並不是技術，而是偽造數據的能力。

到底Science class 教了我們什麼?

 

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Remember the times when everyone wanted to be a superhero? I was there.
Remember the times when everyone wanted to be the president? I was there.
Remember the times when everyone wanted to be a scientist? I was fucking NOT there.

Since I was raised by scientist parents, I had a better understanding of a scientist's life than the kids who had Bill Gates, Shakespeare, Confucious, and Albert Einstein as their parent. Well, maybe not Albert Einstein.

You see, there are two types of scientists: Experiment supervisors (a.k.a. professors) and experiment doers(a.k.a. students). There are more students than professors, so you'll most likely be a student. The job of a student is to create hypothesis, conduct experiment, collect data, draw conclusions with the hypothesis, and write the paper.

Now you must be saying, "Tell us something we don't know. We learned this in lowerschool!"


I apologize for being inconsiderate of my audience's ignorance of the science field. Allow me to rephrase: The job of a student is to create a theory that'll never work, conduct experiments (with no controls) that are biased toward that theory, collect only the datas that favor that theory, draw conclusions saying that the Student T Chart's standard deviation is low enough to make the experiment significant, and finally, construct papers with improper spelling and grammar, incorrectly labeled figure legend, and no reference of any sorts (I know, I know. Citing works make your writing as accurate as an amoeba. However, keep in mind that these papers are being sent to reviewers who hasn't read that entry yet, meaning that they support citing sources).


Ohh yeah, your graduation will sometimes be delayed, too, and if that happens, you have to either give up, or pretend you have psychological problems and apply for extensions.

If you fall in love with a girl in the lab, she won't love you. However, you don't know that. In fact, you think she LOVES you, because you've had lunch with her in the presence of two other professors in fucking Burger King. You would resort to slicing your own wrist to express your love.

Finally, if somebody hates you, they'll put radioactice substances into your coffee cup and when you walk pass the radio-activity-detectonator, the detectonator would beep vigoruously.

No, those are not made up stories. Those are exactly the kind of things that happen in my dad's lab. He talks about them all the time.


What has gone wrong with our education system? Why is it that a college-trained graduate student doesn't know that, in order for any experiment to work, you need a control? Why is it that a college-trained graduate student doesn't know that it's far more effective to kill people with knives radio-poisoning people will get you to jail?

My answer: Science classes.

Yes, those fucking science classes. They are the source of all evil and the breed-bed of crime and stupidity.


Here's what the school taught me in science classes:

Kindergarten: Dinosaurs are cool

First Grade: Bugs and fishes are cool
Second Grade: Plants are cool
Third Grade: Plants are not cool
Forth Grade: Bugs and fishes are not cool
Fifth Grade: Dinosaurs are cooler than bugs, fishes, and plants

Sixth Grade: All matters are made of atoms. I had no idea what electro-negativity was, but I learned it back then.
Seventh Grade: All matters are made of atoms. I had no idea what covalent and ionic bondings were, but I learned it back then
Eigth Grade: All matters are made of atoms. I had no idea how chemical formulas work, but I learned it back then.

Ninth Grade: Although the electronic scale can measure up to 10 digits of a gram, we have to assume it only measures to the whole number, because the meter stick can only measure to whole numbers, and if our answers contain more significant figures than the meter stick does, the meter stick will feel bad.
Tenth Grade: Gravity could not be explained. Potential energy could not be explained. The reason water molecules are bent could not be explained.


You see what they're doing here? No? I'll simplify it:

Lower School: Biology sucks.
Middle School: Chemistry sucks.
High School: Physics sucks. None of my questions are answerable.


I'm only 17 and am already giving up on being a scientist because I just spend 11 years learning how uncool the three major aspects of science are. Hell, the only positive thing I'm talking away is the fact that dinosaurs are cool.


Besides bad-curriculum planning that discourages students, science classes are the hell of human nature. Looking at the evidences I have, I've come to the conclusion that the dark-side of humanity is created in science classes.

From the day we got our first lab, we were taught to avoid the failures who are lazy and "sucks on the diligence of their lab-partners"; we were taught to be failures ourselves because those that are diligent will "finish the work for us anyway"; we were taught to never use the chemical shower as means of survival because it would "make the floor wet"; we were taught to pretend our failure lab-partners did half of the work because we would lose grades for "bad team-work"; we were taught to lie about our results and collect "good datas" that matches with the given hypothesis because we would lose grades for collecting "inaccurate data."

Does any of these sound familiar to you?

My case is closed.






(For those of you wondering what the job of a professor is, he has to deal with those students.)

I admire my dad for that.