各位晚安！(發文時間 03:30)
這是小弟的一篇發洩文章 (原本在 Facebook 發的，順便轉載到這裡)，與小弟的 GA 系列無太大關聯 (可以算是有，不過不影響發文)，所以對英文或是對發洩文沒興趣的，可以無視。
It had been years since I last used the blog feature on Facebook and the last time I used it, I was using it in very stupid ways (i.e. Those "Tag by XX" stuffs). I didn't think I would ever use this feature again but here I am, using it deep at night.
This is not something serious, it's just I got a bit fed up about what had recently happened to me and I just simply cannot sleep without writing about it. So, to whoever interested in this passage, please, do not view this passage as a serious article but rather a messy moan from a normal person.
The thing is, since I had got myself involved in a project not talking about the real life (i.e Stuff from the ACG world, yes, I had gotten involved in that territory), I had begun to get stuck in it. Obviously, it's not about the drawings or how cute the characters are, but the vast availability for creativity to roam free in that very world I'm in right now. The fan fictions are just readily available for people to read and I've been impressed by it, frankly.
The fan fictions are all alright. They are well-written, the plots are clear and lacked no features a classic storyline should possess (A beginning, a problem or problems, a climax and an end). I'm not here to write a critical essay on fan fictions, no, but I'm writing about how I got attracted by it. The thing is, these stuff were drawing me in so much that I begin to loath my life in reality, which is never a good thing. Some people always get obsessed with such stuff to the point where their life in reality got ruined because of it, not exactly ideal, eh?
The first time I got attracted by fan fictions, I was impressed at how they created something new out of something that is already existing but virtually non-existent in the real world (i.e. Using ACG characters from certain online games to create a story). And the further I dig into it, the more addicted I got, to the point where I volunteered to write about the background settings of a certain fan fiction universe (The name of which I'm not going to mention, just for the sake of my image XD, but some of you do know). I enjoyed writing about those background settings and the creators were kind enough to let me in on their universe, so everything seems dandy.
HOWEVER, as time flies by (I started the project in late April), I found out that I had gotten a little too obsessed about the project and begin to develop a kind of apathy towards real life. I begin to just care less about going out and more about surfing the Internet. To be frank, I've been here before 8 years ago, in 2007, when my grandfather passed away and my outdoor activities almost grinned to a halt because of my grief over the loss of my beloved grandfather, but eventually I got over it. The problem I'm facing this time is that I begin to lose the motivation to interact with people from the reality, why interact with those who cared little about you when you have people who are waiting for you to post the next chapter of your fan fiction in Internet forums?
I know this is not good. And I know I always have my friends who are just too happy to listen to me droning on about my settings, but I can never find a way to talk to them what I think about.
The thing is, they might be willing to listen to me talk, but 90% of the time they failed to understand what I'm talking about and I need to explain in great detail the universe that my background settings are based on. I love explaining stuff but sometimes when one ask questions that I regarded as really dumb, I feel a sense of powerlessness. That is not their fault. After all, it's me who should have the responsibility to explain a universe which is entirely out of my friends' understandings, but here's the thing, whenever I explain the background of my background settings, it feels dumb to me and I could never start to explain my reasons on why I would set a certain airport layout like this or that before the topic of the conversation changes again, to something I'm unfamiliar with. So that's where the feeling of powerlessness comes from.
There's also the problem that I'm working on something that is non-existent in the first place as well, pretty much the biggest problem of them all. My past hobbies or crushes have always been on something real (i.e. Trains, buses, cars, British Leyland), this is the first time that I had become interested in something virtual and can never become a reality. The problem with working on something virtual is that you begin to project those non-existent stuff into the real world and gradually you begin to lose faith in reality. The feeling that you can never truly let the masses know about your work is a very bumming one and it's exactly what bugs me down right now. Of course, you can work however you liked in a fantasy world, but once you were forced to limit your creativity once again when you came back to reality, it feels dreadful.
I'm not sure if I should blame myself for letting my creativity roam a bit too freely in the virtual world because if I had limited myself in the virtual world, the difference between reality and virtuality might be less and I might not have such problems adjusting myself to such worlds, but then I wouldn't be able to work my project with my heart. The feeling I'm experiencing now is like a jet-lag, but instead of trouble adjusting to timezones, it's a trouble adjusting my mind to different situations between reality and virtuality, it's tiring to do so and yet, it had to be done.
Maybe I'll keep on working on my project, but clearly, I have to draw a line. I don't want to become one of those people who confined themselves to their rooms and do nothing but play online games. It feels terrible just thinking about it and yet, I'm possibly on my way to becoming one of them. My friends are good and they like to listen to me talk but I feel a bit ashamed talking these stuff to them because none of them are into this field. They give me support, yes, but the feeling that they didn't understand what I'm doing still looms and I am probably choking because of that. And of course I have people I knew who is into ACG and very much nerdier than I am but they aren't really the kind of people that I would inclined to talk to and anyway, the nature of the project I'm working on (Reality intertwined with virtuality) makes the situation bleaker as the audience had been further narrowed.
Probably that's the extent of the problem I'm facing right now. I'm not a person that is chatty but sometimes, in my mind, I have a lot of stuff I wanted to talk about, stuff that not all people understands and like to listen to. Writing is a way for me to talk but the want to talk to a live, speaking and physical person is always there and I have yet to find a satisfying candidate as my "tree hole", my place to share my thoughts on stuffs, the feeling sucks and it will probably accompany me for years to come, especially during this period when my secondary school friends are getting increasingly separate from me and live in increasingly different lives and I have yet to find an alternative social network in my college life.
A sense of sarcasm in the end: Well done, reality, you have successfully make my life miserable by giving me the alternative world of virtuality and I cannot thank you enough for giving me that.
Disclaimer: Just to be clear, I have no intention of suicide and I am not blaming the Netizens and my friends for doing nothing. It's my own trouble and eventually, I can get over it. There's just the question of how long: How long will it take for me to get over this?
創作內容
【純粹發洩】【English Channel】Sometimes, Reality Sucks
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