過度正經而達到白痴等級的自殺法 (英文)

Dear Zach,

I empathise with your selfless decision. All responsible studiesshow that there are just too many people living on this planet for lifeto be sustainable. At least you have had the courage to do somethingabout it, in a small and local way.

In fact your suicide could actually save far more carbon than yourealise. Think of the children you might have had, and what CO2vandalism they could have done. Your death will also reduce the carbonimpact of friends and family members you leave behind – all thosejourneys they won’t make to visit you, unnecessary presents they won’thave to buy or wrap. I estimate that over 60 years your suicide willstop your loved ones from producing 583.2 kg of carbon from gift-buyingalone. So your death will be even more generous than you know!

To your main question, which is a good one. As we know, manysuicides are harmful to the environment. I often wonder about the stateof mind of people who asphyxiate themselves with exhaust fumes in theircars – do they not know that every minute their car is chugging out upto 70g of CO2? As for people who jump off buildings, they seem to giveno consideration whatsoever to the toxic cleaning products required toscrub the pavement. Suicides should take more time to think about theimpact of their deaths on their surroundings.

I think the key to a green and ethical suicide is to leave no traceof your body behind. Selfish families will insist on holding a ceremonyto dispose of bodies, often without a thought as to the environmentalimpact. A church funeral means people driving miles, maybe even flyingto attend, not to mention the damage done by a gas-guzzling old hearse.It might be argued that once buried, human bodies provide food forother species, but as one brave EU environment commissioner reminds us,embalming fluids pose a danger to ‘living organisms’ – maggots andbeetles that feast on the deceased – and should be banned. Will yourfamily stop and think of the poor insects?

Even worse, they might opt for cremation. Did you know that 437,000wooden coffins – the equivalent of 140 000 trees – are wastefully burntin these self-regarding ceremonies in Britain EVERY YEAR? Cremationpollutes the environment with dioxin, hydrochloric acid, sulphurdioxide and carbon dioxide. All your good intentions in taking your ownlife could be undermined at the touch of an incinerator button.

So ideally your suicide should leave nothing to bury or cremate. Acolleague in America advises eco-warriors who choose Carbon Suicide tothrow themselves off a boat, so that the body disintegrates on theseabed and makes little impact on the ozone layer. However, I’m not sosure. Whales, dolphins and fish have a hard enough time with pollutionand nets without having to avoid or swallow human carcasses, shoelaces,belts and buttons. If you do take the sea-suicide option, please removeall your clothing first (and post to a green charity shop prior todeath).

In my view, probably the most ethical way to commit suicide is by self-cremation.Go deep into a forest, douse the body sparingly and set yourselfalight. The ‘experts’ assure me that there is as yet noenvironmentally-friendly flammable liquid to match petrol. However,before turning to the Great Satan gasoline, I think a truly committedindividual might experiment with vegetable oil and bio-fuels – afterall, if they can power green cars, surely they can burn a greencarcass! But even if you have to use a few (carefully measured) cups ofpetrol it will do far less damage to the eco-system than a conventionalcremation. (Ironically, an obese over-consumer may burn more easily.)What’s more, the few remains of your body can be recycled by foxes andother small carnivores. So you will be sparing the planet from your 558tonnes of carbon and literally giving a hand to Britain’s beleagueredwildlife at the same time.

My last word to you, Zach: don’t leave a suicide note. Even using asingle sheet of paper contributes to the felling of trees for profitand the threatened extinction of many animals. Why ruin your selflessethical moment? Post it on MySpace as a shining example to futuregenerations of how to choose life by ending it all. Good luck!

為了環保!